Found out Word Press is too much for me so I am back to blogger with my old link
http://alwaysnumb-me.blogspot.com/
Never Said I was sane did I?
May
04
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May
03
Okie, lately I have been extremly tired no matter how many hours I sleep I have had constant headaches that do not seem to go away no matter how many pain killers I take. I have became so sensitive to alot of things I feel no body wants to hear my out which results my have a lot to say and nobody to listen. My Way of expressing my advice or opinon has become some how aggressive I have been so into details may be that it is why People do not want to listen any more. I have been relying again on mood lifters AKA anti depressants and psyhcological medications which makes me mood swingy and it is extremly addictive which is so bad both ways meaning loose loose situation.
I have become Melancholic, do not feel bad if you dont understand the meaning I did not also I have to look it up it means:
Melancholy:
1. Depression of spirits; a gloomy state continuing a considerable time; deep dejection; gloominess.
2. Great and continued depression of spirits, amounting to mental unsoundness; melancholia.
3. Depressed in spirits; dejected; gloomy dismal.
Which is bad, I have been sleeping well which is something good but my nightmares have become worse. It gives me shavers down my spine when I remember them. I do not know what is wrong with me. Plus I have been PMSing recently which never used to be so sever. I do not know what to do I am always drifting in my thoughts which is not a nice place to be if you did not know and my mind is taking me into places that I rather not be. I have been thinking about the worse case scenarios which is something I was trying to change in Shamel but now he is trying to change is me.
I am afraid cause I am back to medications but I am so depressed and drifting that I do not want to be like that hence I do not want to stop. I should not feel like that in the happiest period in my life which is my engagement or that is the definition of it by everyone around.
I have been abscent minded to the extent that I have burned my lip with my cigerrate so bad that the skin was peeled off. I scratched my allergy when I was drifting that I have carved my skin. I do not know what to do really I should be more helful and supportive to Shamel instead he is taking the energy that he should spend on building our home and buying stuff to making me feel better which makes me feel worse it got to the extent that he took me out to an expensive place to make me feel better and I end up taking about money and loans.
What is wrong with me for freaking’s sake? yes I am a Gemini who are famous for mood swings but that is not mood swings I know my usual mood swings and these are not them.
I do not know what that is? Any clue anyone?
Apr
30
Back in school they used to call me the ice queen cause I never used to cry, no matter how insulted or humiliated I am, you could see how humiliated I am you could see the glass wall forming in my eyes but it never cracks. I was like that. But now a days I cannot stop it whenever I am under pressure I cry like hell. Yes it is true been having pressure like everywhere at home, at work, and through the marriage thing and the fact that my brother is not able to find a job did not really make matters all peachy, but so what???? This has been my life since forever, what is so wrong now?.
What makes matter worse is that I do not cry in front of everyone only in front of Sloppy so I end up making him more worried and responsible and less talkative about his own problems on the basis of “hyia na2sa” or let’s not add insult to injury so what happen is he bottles up inside and walk around like everything is happy and jolly while deep inside it is not which I hate. This is not what partnership should be about, should it?
I know him, he would think that way, he would say let’s postpone talking about this problem till she feels better, let’s not tell her about these news till she feels better and I could go on and on and on and it makes me feel bad. I do not want to cry I want to be like I used to, handle things like a strong mighty creature who thinks that crying is for sissies and wouldn’t solve anything, but I cannot seem to be able to do it.
Any ideas anyone?
Apr
24
I have been thinking about the concept of time so much lately I feel It is passing way too slowly. May be Cause I am waiting for something that I want so much whenever I tell this to someone he or she thinks I am thinking about the sexual part but they could not be more wrong. I can not wait to be with Shamel, Now I have discovered that this is the most right and true decision I took through out my life.
Let me tell you something about me when I was a kid, I always thought I would never to get married, looking for protection and stability in a man give me a break I am more likely to find it in a burglar than in some guy who only wants to marry me for being his sex toy and a free of charge whore.
Well that was what I thought back then, when I grew up I discovered that my personality bits and let’s face it I am no Miss Egypt as well, I have mood swings that could make any person run as far as Mexico so its good I was not interested into marriage and pretty sure that any guy who would know that he would not get sex out of me will not be interested. Till I met him, I was a kid he was a womanizer but for some reason he decided to let me pass his list of sleep and toss. He had feelings for me for years, He waited for three years for me to change my mind during this he watched and talked to me about guys who are interested in me and never was unavailable he always made time for me even when he was the busiest at work or the fuck est at work.
Then I discovered my feelings and told him that we should give it a try a week later we were engaged, everyone who knew us could not believe that we took that step two of the most notorious bachelors and commitment phoebe decided to tie the knot to each other does not pass quietly. No freaking Way
Shamel, is very special he has such a beautiful soul, he does anything and everything in his power to make me happy, he looks at me like he is a baby who sees something beautiful for the very same time. He makes me feel like I am special and one of a kind. With him I feel safe and secure, every single time he would be visiting and when he is leaving I stand near the door and watch him go down the stairs and feel the distance grows between us my heart cracks and feel like a kid whose his parents is leaving him behind. I want to run and hang on to his hand and tell him to take me with him. I feel pain and void when we are apart.
When I hold his big hand in mine I feel warmth and true emotions oozing from them. He is one of a kind and I am glad that I can call him mine for the rest of eternity or at least till I am back in the ground (ISA) He is kind and have a pure heart, he is always the big man even if that means that some people think he is too coward to act. He can never hurt someone on purpose even if this person did him grave harm. I am glad I took the step to be with him but time passes by so slowly for us to be together.
When I was a kid and wanted school to begin I would complain to my father that the days are passing so slowly, he would tell me go to “The Garage where you get to fast forward the days” I believed him and tell him let’s go but he would tell me its closed today. Now I wish this garage exists and I would pass those month and a half and be together.
Sloppy, I love you to pieces Big one
Sound Track of the moment
Apr
19
Any Last Requests?
Three women are about to be executed.
One’s a brunette, one’s a redhead, and one’s a blonde.
Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready . . . Aim . . .”
Suddenly the brunette yells, “earthquake!!”
Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready . . . Aim . . .”
The redhead then screams, “tornado!!”
Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.
By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did.
The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She also says no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready . . . Aim . . .”
The blonde shouts, “fire!!”
More rope
There was a virgin who wanted to marry a farmer boy.
One day, she went to his parent’s house for dinner. When they got done eating dinner, they decided to go for a walk through the pasture.
While they were walking, they came upon 2 horses that were mating. She looks at them with wonder because she has never seen anything like this before.
She asks the boy, “What are they doing?”
He says, “They’re making love.”
“Well, what’s that long thing he’s sticking in there?” she asked.
“Oh, uh, that’s his rope,” he answered.
“Well, what are those two round things on the other end?” she asked.
He says, “Those are his knots.”
She says, “Oh, OK, I got it.”
As they continue their stroll, they come to a barn and go in. She looks at him and says, “I want you to make love to me the way those animals were.”
Surprised and excited, the boy agrees.
While they are getting at it all hot and heavy, she grabs his balls and squeezes.
“Whoa, what are you doing?” he shouts.
The girl innocently replies, “I’m untying the knots so I’ll get more rope!”
Pussy On Fire
Colin meets a girl on the street. He says, “Come on, babe, let’s go in the alleyway and get it on. I’ve got fifteen bucks.”
She says, “FIFTEEN bucks? You’re crazy. For fifteen bucks, I’ll let you LOOK at it.”
They go into the alleyway, she pulls down her pants, and he gets down on his knees. But he can’t see anything, because it’s too dark, so he gets out his lighter. He lights his lighter, and he says, “My God, your pubic hair… it’s so curly and thick… it’s BEAUTIFUL.”
She says, “Thank you.”
He says, “You mind if I ask you a personal question?”
She says, “Go ahead.”
He says, “Can you pee through all that hair?”
She says, “Of course.”
He says, “Well, you better start. You’re on fire.”
This one is for Paul cause he got offended with the attack on blondes since Em is blondish
The Tough Question
A blonde and a gentlemen are sitting next to each other on a plane, the gentlemen wanted to exchange small talk with the blonde but she said I am too tired and I want to sleep. So the Gentlmen decided to sweeten the deal a bit he said “We are going to play a game, I am going to ask you a question if you did not know the answer you will give me one dollar and then you ask me a question if I did not know the answer I give you 50 dollars.”
The blonde looked at him and said “You are on”. The Gentlemen looked at her and asked her “Who invented the telephone?” The blonde puzzled looked at him and put her hand in her purse got out one dollar and gave it to him.
She then said “Now its your turn, What goes up a mountain with two legs and come down with three?”
The gentlemen kept on thinking, got out his laptop, googled the question, called up his friends and nothing, he was unable to come up with the answer, during which of course the blonde went into the deep sleep she wanted. Then just as the plane was about to land the gentlemen woke up the blonde and told her “I give up” he reached into his wallet got out 50 Dollars and give it to the blonde, who then turned around and started gathering her stuff.
The gentlemen stopped her and said “Hey, I need to know the answer to the question”
The blonde puzzled looked at him reached into her purse got out one dollar and said innocently “How the hell should I know”
Apr
16
Have you ever got the feeling that you are completely isolated and nothing is coming in or out? You are completely and utterly trapped.
When something happens and it makes you feel that you are unaware of everything and everyone around you, the good or the bad. It is not a nice feeling, it has always got to me. When someone or something has leverage on me and I discover it too late. When the panic and the loose of control starts to rise and there is nothing you can do about it but stand, watch, and feel the feeling inside you grows bigger and bigger till it consumes your insides. It’s very bad to feel like that after you felt that you are all strong and mighty, you had a hardship, you handled it well or at least you thought so and nothing bad came out of it, no tails is attached to be bitten. Or again that is what you thought.
Then in one tragic moment, whether a meeting, a call, a look, a sentence you feel it all fall on you and you feel inside a gigantic plastic cube with no doors or windows you feel you are even unaware of the surroundings, the people, the calls, the meetings, anything. You even wonder how can you be breathing if you feel there is not air nothing is coming in and nothing is coming out. It’s a horrible feeling.
You suddenly realize that you are in a grip of something bigger than you are and this something could crash you simply cause it can and it only doesn’t cause it’s un-willing, It does not want to do that just yet, what is simply stopping it is the desire or the lack of it or “Not Feeling like Doing It Right Now” as I like to put it.
Let’s just sum it and say it is not pretty. May the plastic cube crash down soon. Or at least let’s hope so.
Moment’s soundTrack
Apr
13
Yes, Ladies and Gents been busy like fuck with a lot of things in the past days home shit, work shit, normal shit, good lovey descovery distractions and so on and forth.
I am writing this post as a thank you for my beautiful other happy Shamel or Sloppy like the blogsphere like to call him, Without him I would have worn the white backward shirt long time ago or join my creater long time ago, whether his goofy laugh, his irritable correction of my single conversation his soul and the way he looks at me like I am something from another world makes anything else worth a while.
Please reader do not envies us we have passed through a lot of shit to be here and just be happy for us if you do this you will be the proud owner of a wedding invitation with a nice menu and good females and males guests to stare at while eating except me and Shamel of course and if any one was caught red handed starring at anyone of us we would be forced to make him or her throw up the good food and be kicked out and banned from being a friend for life with such crazy and amusing couple such as ourselves. As for the big Q why I changed to word Press was challanged by a lot of idiots that I am too idiotic o do it and my response is
STICK IT :p
Apr
05
515 Electric Mini E
boasts that the E’s brushless electric motor
drives the front wheels via a single-stage helical gearbox
to pump out 204 horse power turbo, 1.6-litre four cylinder smoothly on the road.
Need I say more??
Or Better off this one
My birthday is coming focus
Apr
02
Dumb Song Titles
| All I Want From You (Is Away) All My Exes Live In Texas All the Guys that Turn Me On Turn Me Down Am I Double Parked by the Curbstone of Your Heart? Are You Drinkin With Me Jesus? Are You on the Top 40 of the Lord? At the Gas Station of Love, I Got the Self Service Pump Bubba Shot The Jukebox Bubba’s Inconvenience Store Can’t Get Over You, So Why Don’t You Get Under Me? Cow Cow Boogie (Moo Moo My Love) Cow Cow Strut Did I Shave my Legs for This? |
Mar
31
Was sitting at home feeling worried about my brother cause he is a bit sick and going to the doctor and me being sick myself was unable to go with him so I felt like shit. In order for you to understand this you have to know that me and my brother share a very special relationship he is the only person I can talk to at home period. He is always there when I need him and he does his absolute best to give me what I need. I love him to pieces and the feeling that something was wrong with him left me with an uneasy feeling in my stomach.
So here I am sitting biting my nails like there is no tomorrow pretending to be watching TV which I did not have a clue what was on and pretending not to be worried at all while I was worried to my stomach.
So, Saif approached me (he is my 7 soon to be 8 years old nephew), he patted my on the shoulder so I looked at him and he innocently asked what is wrong, which I shook my head to and told him everything is fine. He silently looked at me and told me that I told him that bitting nails is not good and now you are doing it. He then asked:
Saif: Are you worried because 7’alo “how he refers to my brother” is at the doctor’s?
Me: “Looked at him in surprised, but he was always a sharp kid” No, dear he is going to be fine.
Saif: Sure ‘7’alto “Not to mention that is what he calls me” he is going to be okie, 7’alo is the biggest and tallest guy I know. He is going to be okie. Cause he is big, Spider man is big and he always win so 7’alo is big so he will win as well. Don’t worry.
I looked at him smiled, and hug him and missed how simple things used to be when we used to think that you are big and so is Spider man, Spider man always win so will you.
I hugged him once more and he sat beside me telling me all about Spider man and before I know it an hour passed my brother called and told me that the doctor told me he is fine and he only needs to adjust the dosage and he is going to be fine. I smiled on the phone and told him..
Me: Sure you will be fine, you are as big as Spider man.
Brother: Who??
Me: Nothing, just come home so we would hang.
Brother: Okie see you in a bit.
Mar
29
Been a weird weekend not to say the least filled with a lot of things which I will not try to explain nor categorize not cause of anything but that I am tired ..
Yesterday I slept from 6 PM till 6 AM, doing this in our house is a big thing cause we are 6 persons in a 2 bedroom apartment so I need to block out a lot of noise and I am a light sleeper so I must have needed it.
Do not know if that was escaping or being tired or being out of million things. But I did. Woke up with a soar shoulder from sleeping on one side for a long time. I need to start doing a lot of small things that used to make me feel happy, it would matter it made me hang on for a long time and now is the time I need them the most.. Let’s try to fix things and FIX ME is the first on the to do list. Let the fixing begins..
I leave you with a song that has left an impression on me..
Never Tired “Miss those days”
Hey what’s up, how do you do? I think I know you
I think I’ve met you way before I ever saw you.
When constellations knocked my door, my intuition,
I felt the light of something more, like a recognition.
Settle down, settle down, can you feel me?
Turn around, turn around, look who’s waiting here for you,
I’m not going anywhere, I’m never tired.
Turn around, look around, tell me can you see my face?
Tell me can you hear my voice? I’m never tired.
And as the butterflies arrived, I got the feeling
of planets working to align, with a subtle meaning.
When this electric feeling comes, like flowers falling,
Like heaven dancing in the sun, I wanna take it all in.
Settle down, settle down, can you feel me?
And when I think I’m done, it haunts me again
It takes me back, cuz it’s
not what I became, a face without a name.
Never Tired – Bad Apple
Mar
26
Have you ever felt that you are going around in circles and you are bored out of your mind from everything and tired to the extent you feel like a hollow thousand years old tree yet you are only 27 and not even quiet there yet.
You are tired from being jammed at work, you are tired from sitting idly doing nothing.
You are tired from going out, you are tired from hanging out in cafes.
You are tired from sitting at home, you are tired from hearing people complain all the time.
You are tired from being sober, you are tired from beigh high.
You are tired from being romantic, you are tired from being cold.
You are tired from taking care of everybody, you are tired that nobody is taking care of you.
You are tired from taking everyone’s needs into consideration, you are tired of not taking consideration of your own.
You are tired from downloading movies, you are tired from watching them all the time.
You are tired from music, you are tired from listening to them all the time.
You are tired from having bad dreams, you are tired of worrying when you do not have dreams at all.
You are tired from thinking about the future, you are tired from making everyone feels its okie.
You are tired from juggling a 100 responsibilties at the same time and pretend it is an easy task to do.
You are tried from being tired, and you wish you wont be any more.
Mar
18
Yes, whoever knows me know that I have constant cold and flu through out winter it has its ups and downs but it never go away except when summer is here I have been feeling good lately but suddenly been having unjustifiable high fever and feeling like I can not do anything do not have the energy really.
Shamel has been telling me that the weight of my psychological state is finally catching up with me but yesterday went home early and did not have the power to even wait around to see my beloved other half I took a cab and headed home. Words were coming out quiet hard pointing and going to the bathroom seems like a hard thing to do.
My mum suggested I crash early and so I did by 9 I was in bed and had a long black sleep till 6:30 in the morning where my sister woke me up to go to work felt like I wanna sleep more what the fuck is wrong with me?
I got out of bed and the minor action of taking a step on the concert gave me back pains I was leaning on Shamel arm and felt more than glad when he suggested to carry my lap top bag. The air coming in felt freezing and I felt cold and wanted to run into the warmth of the office. I feel horrible but I have to be at the office today for a zillion reasons and I have an appointment in Maadi at 5 that I can not cancel. I feel sick as a dog no let me rephrase that I am feeling like the sickest person alive.
Coughing actually hurts my head.. I need to sleep and just not do anything. Screw the working atmosphere I want the days when females used to hang out at home and cook at least till I am better. and If anyone quoted me on that HE IS SO DEAD.
Peace.
Mar
15
Okay I have heard before that I do not exactly look like a Rock Chick but never was I told that to my face. What I beg to wonder is the way a Rock Chick should look like? The dark make up the fish net socks and the big shoes? Isn’t it that like a little bit stereotyping Seriously.
I arrived to work today totally tired and dreading the work load I have although I have been having good night sleep but it seems to me that I was better off when I was not sleeping but heck the grass is always greener on the other side right?
Anyhow headed to the coffee corner and wanted to get some caffeine in to shake the zombie like feeling I had so here I am numbly, half asleep heading to the coffee machine and putting only one headphone in my ear to hear the “Good Mornings” I used to miss and offend people. So I am standing there waiting for the fresh pot to be ready to be greeted by this guy which I do not know his name but he seems to know mine someone who works in the same company and so we regularly meet in the coffee corner, the smoking room so my basic knowledge of him is that he drinks coffee and smokes PERIOD. He stood beside me and all of a sudden looked at the headphone dangling from my ear and with the music coming loudly from it declaring that a hard core music is being played in the other ear. He tapped me on the shoulder to get my attention and this is how its goes:
Him: Hey,, the music is really load huh?
Me: *Nodded* Yes.
Him: You listen to hard rock huh?
Me: Looked at him and wanted to congratulate him on stating the obvious but refrained. Yeah I do..
Him: Who are they?
Me: Sighed: Disturbed, they are.. “He quickly cut me off”
Him: You listen to Disturbed? But they are hard core I mean they play heavy stuff..
Me: Yes.. and..
Him: Looked at me thoroughly and said in a very smart surprised tone..: But you are a chick..
I looked at him in amazement and what came out was..
Me: Yes, thanks for noticing..
Him: I did not mean it but don’t girl like listen to boy bands?
By now the coffee pot was ready thank God Was tempted to hit him on the head with it but I refrained again. I really need a Pat on the shoulder for handling my temper and made my coffee and looked at him and excused myself.
The schmuck..
Really No Comment
Mar
12
Been not feeling like doing anything lately all I have been doing is listening to Disturbed music, for those of you privileged to have me on MSN or GTalk must know that by now. This band has touched something deep inside of me, something about their music, their lyrics, the way they portray their songs and tunes gets to me every single time I press play. I have downloaded every single song out there for them and I do recommend them strongly for anyone who is into music but a slight warning is at order though they are a bit heavy for some people but once you dig them you really dig them. Below are my personal favourites:
– Pain Redefined.
– The Curse.
– Criminal.
– Inside the Fire.
Simply a beauty, as for people who say that dark music affects my mood I say I listen to music that suits my mood and not the other way around.
Peace and Out people
Mar
09
Every finger in the room is pointing at me
I wanna spit in their faces then I get afraid of what that could bring
I got a bowling ball in my somach, I got a desert in my mouth
Figures that my courage would choose to sell out now
Ive been looking for a savior in these dirty streets
Looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets
Ive been raising up my hands- drive another nail in
Just what God needs, one more victim
Why do we crucify ourselves
Everyday I crucify myself
Nothing I do is good enough for you
Crucify myself
Everyday I crucify myself
And my heart is sick of being in chains
Got a kick for a dog, beggin for love
Gotta have my sufferingso that I can have my cross
I know a cat named easter, he says will you ever learn
Youre just an empty cage girl if you kill the bird
Ive been looking for a savior in these dirty streets
Looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets
Ive been raising up my hands- drive another nail in
Got enough guilt to start my own religion
Why do we crucify ourselves
Everyday I crucify myself
Nothing I do is good enough for you
Crucify myself
Everyday I crucify myself
And my heart is sick of being in chains
Please be
Save me
I cry
Looking for a savior in these dirty streets
Looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets
Ive been raising up my hands- drive another nail in
Where are those angels when you need them
Why do we crucify ourselves
Everyday I crucify myself
Nothing I do is good enough for you
Crucify myself
Everyday I crucify myself
And my heart is sick of being in chains
Crucify – Tori Amos
Mar
05
Okie lately I have been having time laps meaning that I would be sitting waiting for a check at a coffee place or restaurant and suddenly I would find myself left with the change and not remembering when I have paid and when did the guy actually took the money. Trivial you would say? Okie, I did not mind it either I mean if they are just about minutes.
But, when I over look days now that in my book when the shit hits the fan. I have missed like a semi week. Woke up today convinced that today is Monday may be even Tuesday to be hit in the face with the fact that its Thursday and I have missed AN IMPORTANT AND MAJOR DEADLINE. WTF?!!!!!!!!
I could not believe myself and kept on starring at the calender on the phone and shaking my head in disbelief. When the fuck did that happen? was the only thought in my head.
Tried to fix things up but they were royally fucked.
This time I have outdone myself..
Again..
“Devastation! Obliteration!
All to the point of exacerbation,
There’s no explaining my situation,
Now, why does this shit keep happening to me?”
The Curse – Disturbed
Mar
04
Marked for demolition, I’m
Just a time bomb, ticking inside!
No hope for the hopeless,
I can see the pieces all laid out in front of me!
No point even asking why,
Couldn’t help even if you tried.
Step aside or you might just be the next contestant to feel the brutality!
Devastation! Obliteration!
All to the point of exacerbation,
There’s no explaining my situation,
Now, why does this shit keep happening to me?
I’ve held on too long, just to let it go now!
Will my inner strength get me through it somehow?
Defying the curse that has taken hold,
Never surrender, I’ll never be overcome
Too dark for forgiveness, I
Can’t seem to do anything right!
When I try to rebuild I see,
My humble shelter just fall to the ground again!
Object of an evil eye,
No point to let anyone try
Take heed, my friend,
Lest you be torn asunder like all that’s become of me!
Decimation! Disintegration!
Now beyond the point of imagination!
No explaining my situation!
Why does this shit keep happening to me?
I’ve held on too long, just to let it go now!
Will my inner strength get me through it somehow?
Defying the curse that has taken hold,
Never surrender, I’ll never be overcome!
I’ve held on too long, just to let it go now!
Will my inner strength get me through it somehow?
Defying the curse that has taken hold,
Never surrender, I’ll never be overcome!
I’ve held on too long, just to let it go now!
Will my inner strength get me through it somehow?
Defying the curse that has taken hold,
Never surrender, I’ll never be overcome!
The Curse – Disturbed
Mar
04
Never was I that pissed through out my entire life and trust me I have seen quiet a lot of things but this is boiling in side that I feel the heat sipping through my chest and consuming me.. Seriously this is WAY WAY TOO MUCH.. I need it to sleep and tune down.. Before I myself EXPLODE..
“So tear me open and pour me out
There’s things inside that scream and shout
And the pain still hates me
So hold me until it sleeps”
Servo Quod Lost In In Man's Terra 